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2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's
rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other
time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's
a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill
it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.
If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do
that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps,
which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and
don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going
to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't
like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you
get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up
from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but
hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: Have a great holiday season!
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in
an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!
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