MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23,starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made
by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party - thedays are so short this time
of year - orelse package everything for take home in little foil
swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their
own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross
dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control
the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood
problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
do, a tap-danceon your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks. Okay???

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen
to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in
a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween
or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed
their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering.
You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the
%#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You
change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes
of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change
your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them scream right now! >HA !

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
SKIP