~Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

~I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

~I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

~I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

~I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

~Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

~A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

~I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!

~When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

~Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

~Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? (good point)

~If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

~Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

~Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?