Rich,

IMO this is the better Dennis Miller rant. (G)

Byron

Check out this rant by Dennis Miller on a recent Tonight Show. It's a
little coarse in places, hence the PG rating.
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Dennis Miller on 'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno'
Feb. 25, 2003

Jay Leno: Let me ask you, war inevitable, what do you got?

Dennis Miller: Listen, we have got to do it soon, just - we've got to
mark our turf. I think Iraq is like East Korea. I think you got to send
a message to these people over there, and I think this build-up to the
war is why we're having all this
controversy.

Because the last one, is it just me or did it seem to happen just like
that. Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting
around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're
watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little
harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot
under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummus and smores from
room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out. The sky was
full.

We waited so long here, of course you'll hear a lot of controversy. I
think it's time to go in. You think the Elite Republican Guard is really
going to stop us? Anybody remember these guys from the last battle?
They warned us, you don't want to run into
the Elite Republican Guard, they're killing machines. We got 20 miles
away from them, all we saw is Roadrunner clouds running off into the
distance. They were in Vegas last week opening for Robert Goulet.

I think it's time to start the war. My favorite Afghani war story is
the Al Qaeda fighter who is crushed to death by the dissenting
humanitarian food pallet. Everybody sitting around in the next life at the
Psychotic Algonquin Roundtable swapping tales.
What happened to you, Khalid? I saw a shadow, looked up, Del Monte
cling peaches coming right at my head. I didn't even have the Kevlar turban
on that day.

Listen, it's time to do something. For God's sake, Saddam Hussein is -
well, it kills me that so many people are thinking this man - I hear
this revisionist stuff now, that he doesn't deserve to be attacked. It's
unbelievable to me. I saw Ed Harris one
night speaking at a pro-choice - pro-choice rally. Ed Harris the actor
said we shouldn't go to war. I was thinking if you can't get your head
around the war, why don't you just think of it as choosing to abort
Saddam Hussein. Wouldn't that be a rationale
that you could possibly -

Listen, we got to take care of ourselves now. I mean who going to
protect us? I'm not saying we have to be trigger happy, but let's not be
trigger sad either. Who are we going to bank on. You going to rely on the
Germans? For god's sake, with the Germans
you never know if they're not signing on because they don't believe in
it or it's just not on a grand enough scale, you know. The Germans,
it's like when Alfred Nobel started giving the peace prize. You know where
he made his fortune, dynamite, he
invented dynamite. He was so haunted he was going to go to hell, he
said at the end, here's 9 million, give out the peace award. That's what
the Germans do. They know they've got the skankiest track record on the
planet earth so now they'll be obstinate
about being pacifists.

Even with bad guys, the Russians, I don't know, I think Putin is on a
tight leash right now because of that nerve gas disaster they had in
Moscow. Really stop to think about it, if they could take out that many
friendlies liberating an opera house, do you
really want them flying off your wing in a real war? You know
something? The Belgians, you knew they'd waffle?

That brings us to... well, you know where that brings us, to the
French. The French, you might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with
Fredo because you are dead to me, okay. You know something? These pricks
are now putting - they're putting
swastikas on our flag in France. You've got all those boys buried in
Normandy. And after we had the good taste to chisel the armpit hair off
the Statue of Liberty you gave us, you know something, I - always
thought that tint was oxdized copper. Little did
I know it was green with envy.

You know something, I say we don't let these guys on the war train now.
They don't want to be involved, fine. I say the train pulls out, leave
them on the platform and say listen you're not allowed to fight with us
now. You guys want to get your hands
dirty at this late date, you'll have to run them through your own hair.

You know something, everybody's talking about post-liberation Iraq and
who should take care of it. Listen, you know they need the oil and you
know there's a lot of dirty paper on the French providing reactor parts
that we're going to unearth. I'd have a
back channel call from Bush to Chirac and I'd tell him, listen, pal,
you know who's going to handle the day-to-day necessities of the noble
Iraqi, it's you, my friend. Consierge is a French word, isn't it?

You know something, if they couldn't - I say we invade Iraq and then
invade Chirac. You run a pipe -- you run a pipe from the oilfield right
over this Eiffel Tower, shoot it up and have the world's biggest oil
derrick. We got a picture of it right here.
Yeah. Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course,
would be a disservice to bags filled with scum.

I'm just saying listen, I'd like to have allies too. What's happening
in this world right now, we have a competency chasm. We are getting
real good at what we do and the whole world is going to hell in a
handbasket. As that gap gets wider, they'll hate
us more and more and more. We are simultaneously the most hated,
feared, loved and admired planet - nation on this planet. In short, we are
Frank Sinatra and you know something, the Chairman didn't get to be the
Chairman lying down for punks outside the
Fountainbleu.

Now listen, I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first
got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live
in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his
ranch on tv, it looks pretty nice. You know
something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great
environment.

I think he ought to take Saddam Hussein on this debate, I like that
idea. Because we can't find the guy anyway. Maybe this is a way to flush
him out, huh? He can say...-- I hate to go back to the Godfather again,
but we just sit Bush down and say,
listen, we know where the debate is. Halfway through the opening
remarks you say you got to take a pee, go into the bathroom, Rumsfeld will
tape a gun up under the flusher. You come out, make sure it's there.
Rumsfeld, I don't want my president walking
out of there with just his dick in his hand. You put two shots into
Hussein's head, you drop the gun and walk out of the restaurant. You do
not run.

Listen, I do not need a time of war to see peace protestors - and
that's fine, peace is fine, dissident is fine, that's the American way, but
the Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy
next to you has a sign that says Bush is
Hitler, forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because
he is not Hitler.

You know something, this is - this stuff has got to stop, somebody's
got to say something good in this community about this man. I'm starting
a new web sit, pro-Bush, called www dot w. And you know something, if
you're watching tonight, President Bush,
and I'm not sure you are because I got a feeling you watch the national
network reruns of "BJ and The Bear," but if you're watching, I want to
just say, I think you're doing a hell of a job and I'm proud that
you're my president. I want to thank you and
wish you Godspeed because you got a tough deal of the cards. I think
there are a lot more people out here on your side than you would think.

You know, Jay, I used to be a liberal. You look at what happens in the
State of California with untethered liberalism. Everybody in this
state in charge now is a Democrat. It's no longer the Andreas Fault, it's
Gray Davis's fault. This is what happens
when you elect lawyers. Shakespeare said first kill all the lawyers.
I've been doing some some thinking, I think we could get away with it
because if you kill all of them, at our murder trial, we wouldn't have
adequate representation.