NEWS FLASH******
Washington D.C.
A Senate Committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein have announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been cancelled, and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine. The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air polution.
9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.
8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.
7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.
6. During a live television broadcast of the rescue, prayers were asked for the miners, violating the seperation of church and state.
5. Several people at this public, government-supported rescue mentioned praying.
4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.
3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and HIllary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.
2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine flood.
1. No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.
"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again," the Committee noted.

2ND NEWS FLASH: The Rev. Jerry Falwell says that the miners should not have been rescued. Their situation was the result of sin in their lives and the sins of their community. Who are we to question God's judgment?